i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
