woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
