At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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