On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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