I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
