You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
