Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
