Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
