I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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