Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
