This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
