I met the friendliest cop last night
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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