I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
