i love accidental penises.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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