but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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