I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
