so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
