just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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