My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
