i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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