I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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