apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
