This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
