I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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