I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
