someone get that fucking seahorse.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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