my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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