if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
