between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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