Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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