Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
