He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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