Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
