I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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