life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
