I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
