I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
