So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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