the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my sisters under your porch take her home
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
