i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
