When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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