My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
