Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
