You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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