lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
