It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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