Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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