My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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