Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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