Moan for me like Helen Keller
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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