I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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