I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
